After all the culture we’ve had we thought it was only correct to sample some of the less salubrious parts of town. So, with much research, we ended up in a club entitled ‘Adam’s Apple’! Not quite as biblical as the title suggests! The first act consisted of a striptease artiste – only without the strip or any of the tease. Our poor beautiful heterosexual mate Dave had to endure a large penis, ready to ‘love him long time’ , nearer his face than he could ever have imagined! The second act, ‘Batman’ – the caped crusader – well almost …. ‘Holy erection Robin!’ And then……. ‘The Cop’ with a truncheon that had a life of it’s own. None of it particularly arresting though……. The whole night was rather odd, especially the ‘Pat Butcher’ oriental Madame who was running the joint. She looked rather familiar and terribly stern. Then we realised she’d been at the women’s prison yesterday – pummelling Andrew! And – when she asked me how I made my living and I explained it was in a rather similar way to ‘herself’ – she thawed! In fact – she gave us a discount!
As we arrived at the women’s prison today to read the massage menu, Michelle looked a little concerned when she noticed the last treatment on the list. “I’m not sure I fancy an ‘intimate’ massage” she whispered. I did have to point out that it read ‘Inmate’ massage, which definitely eased her nerves and so we went inside and were fingered today by the female prisoners of Chiang Mai. What a marvellous idea. In order to earn a little cash for some extra snout, the ladies on parole are given a job in their own massage parlour. Perhaps it wouldn’t work in Holloway but here it seems to fit the vibe. Andrew had ‘YumYum’, a not totally accurate description, although I’m quite sure she’d made a meal of someone in the past! My jailbird was less effective however. Three foot tall with the hands of a toddler – I felt nothing. In fact Dave and Michelle who were being pummelled on the opposite side of the room told me afterwards that I had fallen asleep and was snoring (gently,I might add) throughout the whole process, much to the amusement of all the ‘Bad Girls’ present. When I awoke it was as if nothing had happened. She was probably only inside for shop-lifting. I think if one is to achieve the most effective outcome at times like these, then choose the butchest, ‘Top-Dog’ looking one you can find; a girl who knows […]
Half a bottle of Thai Whisky and a herbal cigarette and I’m anyone’s – I also usually do anything! So a haircut seemed a really good idea at 4am this morning. I must say I did rather well, Eat your heart out Vidal Sassoon. Those nail scissors really ain’t half bad!
Dirty minds all of you! Forgot to mention with all the back-packing ahead of us and the fact that I have had more wildlife struggling to free itself from my bouffant than I care to remember. A bat, a cock-roach, something Andrew kindly assured me it was best I didn’t know what it was, etc….. At some times it has resembled both an ant hill and a maori’s hut! A bouffant is not conducive to adventure – so it just had to go.
Well, the luxurious part of our journey is proving less and less so by the minute! Our lovely friends Dave and Michelle, otherwise known as ”Hewitt & Hewitt’ – the ‘Saatchi & Saatchi’ of Scabinillas have joined us here in Chiang Mai and it has not stopped raining! Frogs abound and I’m forcibly unimagining the unimaginable that may be slithering through the undergrowth (and I don’t mean Andrew!) Added to that the hotel will not even serve us a beer whilst sitting sodden around the pool. Their, response when asked, ‘sorry, no staff, go to seven eleven.’ Four stars my arse! Of course, we always have the mini- bar on which to rely in desperate times. We opened it to reveal two miniature cans of the locally brewed Chang’ – not even enough to get a three week old pup merry. No ‘Changover’ in the morning though. Added to this there is a no smoking policy throughout the hotel, which, of course, my husband and I have followed to the letter. Inadmissably, they haven’t mentioned the no smoking of what – therefore we do have a get out if ‘Miss Hassan’ catches us having a sneaky puff on the balcony (over which we are not allowed to hang any clothes or towels). Along with the ‘Tenko-esque’ nature of the place another negative is that the family ‘Von Crap’ have moved in next door. A serious and Swedish brood consisting of at […]
Well, we’ve moved uptown and Andrew seems to have drifted in the opposite direction! ! I thought this journey would be geographical but it has started to become emotional too! ‘The Lola Boys’ are splitting up! Well for a week, at least! A planned week-ish……… Who knows where we’ll meet again -but I do believe Vera Lynn was correct when she kinda sang – they’ll be a when!
What’s a Wat ? I hear you think . Well it’s a temple to you lot …… And the location today was spectacular. I’m always chastising Andrew for his lack of etiquette in religious places and at the dinner table! Here, however, there were numerous boxes in which you could/should deposit 20 Baht (40p). Then you could do as you wish, by that I mean take photographs etc. ( not urinate behind thebiggest clump of Chrysanthemum!) Actually if you entered through the slightly grander entrance the suggestion was 30 Baht – the monks obviously charge more if you want to go in through the front! When inside it was , de- flip-flopped, a moment of genuine stillness. Although I still think one of them may have had a thing for me , but then, I always do!
What an enchanting city. An atmospheric eclectic melange of Thai, Burmese, Chinese, Indians and various other expats all rubbing along (and sometimes off!) together. Oh yeah, did I mention there’s also the odd Russian? Although I’m slightly nervous about pointing out that fact since an ominous black tuk-tuk, with tinted wing mirror, has been shadowing us this afternoon – I have an inkling Mr Putin may be reading my blog, or at least having it read to him! Not sure The Lola Boys will be playing St Petersburg anytime soon. Oh well! это жизнь
A young German lad, Helmet ( is that correct?) has been giving us advice on what to eat in Thailand, how to behave, dress, communicate and how to survive Bangkok! We listened, more than patiently, for at least seven minutes until he went on to inform us it was his first time in the country, that he’d arrived just the day before and had not yet been to the capital! He went on to offer us tips on how to live our lives correctly and how disgusting it is that the world is being ruined through ‘genital’ engineering! He then told us he had just left high school and was 18! Andrew immediately left for a ciggie and I went back to my flower arranging. Any thoughts of doing any genital engineering with him flew straight out of the window. He was definitely a helmet we had no use for!
After my hideous Russian experience, Andrew and I made our way through Chinatown to the riverbank. There I met a monk in need of spiritual guidance, and, having consumed more spirits then most, I felt I was the perfect candidate to advise. Sadly he would not listen – and insisted pink and orange robes can be worn together, especially if your a novice Buddhist monk! There’s non- judgement for you! Or rather – no judgement! His demeanour, however, was both charming and enviable. I may have to join a monastery on the morrow ……… As long as I can teem my pink robe with a little black hem. Otherwise what would Lola say?……..