As we arrived at the women’s prison today to read the massage menu, Michelle looked a little concerned when she noticed the last treatment on the list.
“I’m not sure I fancy an ‘intimate’ massage” she whispered.

I did have to point out that it read ‘Inmate’ massage, which definitely eased her nerves and so we went inside and were fingered today by the female prisoners of Chiang Mai.

What a marvellous idea. In order to earn a little cash for some extra snout, the ladies on parole are given a job in their own massage parlour. Perhaps it wouldn’t work in Holloway but here it seems to fit the vibe.

Andrew had ‘YumYum’, a not totally accurate description, although I’m quite sure she’d made a meal of someone in the past!

My jailbird was less effective however. Three foot tall with the hands of a toddler – I felt nothing. In fact Dave and Michelle who were being pummelled on the opposite side of the room told me afterwards that I had fallen asleep and was snoring (gently,I might add) throughout the whole process, much to the amusement of all the ‘Bad Girls’ present. When I awoke it was as if nothing had happened. She was probably only inside for shop-lifting.

I think if one is to achieve the most effective outcome at times like these, then choose the butchest, ‘Top-Dog’ looking one you can find; a girl who knows how to wield a meat cleaver! At least then you’re guaranteed of some decent physical punishment – after all, that’s what we signed up for.

Disappointing ! I may have to have a word with the governor and have her parole dismissed!