We’ve arrived in Pai – a little ‘Pai -Eyed’ and not so bushy tailed! The Driver; four hours of hairpin bends at break-neck speed; gear- manouvering worthy of Mr Magoo; and the heaviest brake pedalling I have ever witnessed: In fact, he was a bit of a ‘James Hunt!’ At the forty- seventh bend I knocked into this wonderfully serene senior monk reading his newspaper – elbowing him hard in the face. – for the second time. A moment that gives the phrase ‘Bashing The Bishop’ a whole new meaning. And, ‘a la Rosa Parks,’ we were made to sit at the back of the bus! Trapped between two young lovers batting for ‘Our’ team, if you catch my drift. I would love to say it was the first time I’ve been squashed between three homos on the back- seat… But let’s not go into that. There was at least some respite – a brief ‘Pits’ Stop!’ Penelope would certainly not have approved – the khazies were kamikaze! Mercifully, we have now reached our destination of Pai. Both still swaying from side to side as though we’ve just disembarked from a dodgy cruise. I guess we just haven’t found our ‘Charabanc Legs’ yet!
After all the culture we’ve had we thought it was only correct to sample some of the less salubrious parts of town. So, with much research, we ended up in a club entitled ‘Adam’s Apple’! Not quite as biblical as the title suggests! The first act consisted of a striptease artiste – only without the strip or any of the tease. Our poor beautiful heterosexual mate Dave had to endure a large penis, ready to ‘love him long time’ , nearer his face than he could ever have imagined! The second act, ‘Batman’ – the caped crusader – well almost …. ‘Holy erection Robin!’ And then……. ‘The Cop’ with a truncheon that had a life of it’s own. None of it particularly arresting though……. The whole night was rather odd, especially the ‘Pat Butcher’ oriental Madame who was running the joint. She looked rather familiar and terribly stern. Then we realised she’d been at the women’s prison yesterday – pummelling Andrew! And – when she asked me how I made my living and I explained it was in a rather similar way to ‘herself’ – she thawed! In fact – she gave us a discount!
As we arrived at the women’s prison today to read the massage menu, Michelle looked a little concerned when she noticed the last treatment on the list. “I’m not sure I fancy an ‘intimate’ massage” she whispered. I did have to point out that it read ‘Inmate’ massage, which definitely eased her nerves and so we went inside and were fingered today by the female prisoners of Chiang Mai. What a marvellous idea. In order to earn a little cash for some extra snout, the ladies on parole are given a job in their own massage parlour. Perhaps it wouldn’t work in Holloway but here it seems to fit the vibe. Andrew had ‘YumYum’, a not totally accurate description, although I’m quite sure she’d made a meal of someone in the past! My jailbird was less effective however. Three foot tall with the hands of a toddler – I felt nothing. In fact Dave and Michelle who were being pummelled on the opposite side of the room told me afterwards that I had fallen asleep and was snoring (gently,I might add) throughout the whole process, much to the amusement of all the ‘Bad Girls’ present. When I awoke it was as if nothing had happened. She was probably only inside for shop-lifting. I think if one is to achieve the most effective outcome at times like these, then choose the butchest, ‘Top-Dog’ looking one you can find; a girl who knows […]
Half a bottle of Thai Whisky and a herbal cigarette and I’m anyone’s – I also usually do anything! So a haircut seemed a really good idea at 4am this morning. I must say I did rather well, Eat your heart out Vidal Sassoon. Those nail scissors really ain’t half bad!
Dirty minds all of you! Forgot to mention with all the back-packing ahead of us and the fact that I have had more wildlife struggling to free itself from my bouffant than I care to remember. A bat, a cock-roach, something Andrew kindly assured me it was best I didn’t know what it was, etc….. At some times it has resembled both an ant hill and a maori’s hut! A bouffant is not conducive to adventure – so it just had to go.
Well, the luxurious part of our journey is proving less and less so by the minute! Our lovely friends Dave and Michelle, otherwise known as ”Hewitt & Hewitt’ – the ‘Saatchi & Saatchi’ of Scabinillas have joined us here in Chiang Mai and it has not stopped raining! Frogs abound and I’m forcibly unimagining the unimaginable that may be slithering through the undergrowth (and I don’t mean Andrew!) Added to that the hotel will not even serve us a beer whilst sitting sodden around the pool. Their, response when asked, ‘sorry, no staff, go to seven eleven.’ Four stars my arse! Of course, we always have the mini- bar on which to rely in desperate times. We opened it to reveal two miniature cans of the locally brewed Chang’ – not even enough to get a three week old pup merry. No ‘Changover’ in the morning though. Added to this there is a no smoking policy throughout the hotel, which, of course, my husband and I have followed to the letter. Inadmissably, they haven’t mentioned the no smoking of what – therefore we do have a get out if ‘Miss Hassan’ catches us having a sneaky puff on the balcony (over which we are not allowed to hang any clothes or towels). Along with the ‘Tenko-esque’ nature of the place another negative is that the family ‘Von Crap’ have moved in next door. A serious and Swedish brood consisting of at […]
Well, we’ve moved uptown and Andrew seems to have drifted in the opposite direction! ! I thought this journey would be geographical but it has started to become emotional too! ‘The Lola Boys’ are splitting up! Well for a week, at least! A planned week-ish……… Who knows where we’ll meet again -but I do believe Vera Lynn was correct when she kinda sang – they’ll be a when!