Cluck Off!

Paul had witnessed a few birds in the bush before but had never espied a chicken up a mango tree avoiding cock! He knew it to be one of those odd things one comes across when travelling in South Asia. The sub continent never disappointed.  He and Andrew had once seen an unfortunate man’s brains frying steadily on a scorching highway after an accident their vehicle had narrowly avoided – but that was an altogether darker scene.  The avian antics now unfolding  before him were far more comic. He chuckled as he watched the harried chuck cling on to an unripe fruit for dear life whilst the desperate clucker beneath stalked her mercilessly, egging her on to descend so that he could do much the same.  Only on her!  They were quite the lovebirds. Paul turned to his partner and asked what type of chicken it was.  He usually hated the creatures finding them preferable in a bowl to them scrabbling around his ankles with their putrid dinosaur feet.  However, this little bird possessed feathered bloomers which stylishly disguised the normal nasty talons – and a feathered hat. She was almost charming. Almost ‘Chanel’. Andrew had no idea. ‘But you know about birds’,  Paul quacked, ‘ that was one of the first things that impressed me about you.’ ‘Only cos I read an ornithology of garden bloody birds when I was eleven!’ Andrew retorted. ‘I never professed to be an […]

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Two Pricks In Brighton!

Paul was still waiting to be pricked for a second time, not a situation he found himself in that often, but he knew until the pop up vaccination unit came again he was not safe. Not entirely. The damned ‘Delta’ variant had truly burst it’s banks and in Brighton there was a veritable flood of infections incurring. He did not want to be paranoid, yet he also wanted to start working again as soon as possible. It had been a year and a half now since the damned virus had […]

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Ferry Cross The Biscay

The infamous Bay Of Biscay, which was so often a turbulent grey soup, turned out to be a placid  aquamarine mill pond. As blue as the Carribean sea and with an air temperature to match.  On deck of the Brittany ferry Galicia, Paul  looked towards the picturesque and ever diminishing port of Santander and wiped away a maudlin tear.  He blamed it on the cheap lager, but he knew deep down that he was just very bad at Adios. Goodbyes to him had never come easy. It was an over […]

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The Second Coming!

Paul sat in the verdant garden of an old Cantabrian house which had obviously been transformed into a knocking shop for middle ranking coppers and dodgy MPs. As he watched Andrew smoke a cigarette he took a long, deep breath.   In.  Pause.  And then out.  Just as he’d read how to do in the countless self-help books he’d read and re-read over countless unhelpful years.  It made absolutely no difference. He was still pissed off after being snubbed by a couple in white linen, quite obviously unmarried, who had both sneered at his apparel whilst conducting an insidious affair over a bowl of green olives. They’d not even given him a nod as he bade them Buenos Tardes, both far too busy betraying their kids and their partners and whispering their sweet somethings.  Nothing! Not even a slight smile. Paul didn’t care.  Much!  After all, he had  just driven nearly halfway across Spain, lost he and Andrew’s passports,(allegedly!), driven back the other way, sorted the emergency travel documents which were now needed and then raced back across The Iberian Peninsula.  Carmen and Carlos conducting their sordid little liaison behind a Mimosa, minus manners, were certainly not going to prove the proverbial last straw that broke his donkey’s back. Paul was far too determined to get back to Blighty without any more hitches – so any rudeness from some unhitched blighters was easy to ignore. Besides, he and Andrew’s journey […]

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A Spring Nativity!

You’ve still got the passports haven’t you?’ Andrew asked Paul, who was currently pushing their twenty year old Ford Focus to breaking point on the A66 somewhere in the middle of Extramadura; somewhere in the middle of Spain. ‘You had them last’ Paul retorted brusquely, already pissed off he’d done all the driving for the last ten hours! ‘I gave them to you at the last place – when you went into that hotel’ said Andrew. ‘I’m sure you didn’t’ answered Paul, taking one hand unwisely away from the steering […]

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Barbra The Boa And Other Tales Of Covid.

It had been months since Barbra the boa had last enjoyed a night out. In fact she hadn’t been given an airing from her carrier bag for months. The conditions were hot and moist, she longed to feel the sea breeze finesse her feathers in the manner to which she had become accustomed. To shed her plumage cross the beach whilst draped on a camp, melodious arm. Oh how she ached for a shimmy and the whiff of her old friend Maisie Mascara. But she knew it would be a […]

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Hair Today – Gone Tomorrow!

Paul swiped away the decrepit hand at 6 ‘0 Clock and profered his nearest elbow towards the superannuated cheek at just past 9pm. This nifty manouourvre was needed in order to deflect another amorous octogenarian who had decided to lunge, lip first, towards his unmasked ‘eek. He needed no kissing. Not from any demographic. He wasn’t ageist! But nor was he a fan of Covid 19. In his opinion it wasn’t a patch on the Chanel version, yet it certainly possessed a heady perfume, and it’s silage was somewhat lingering […]

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Lampang – The Beautifully Cursed City!

As Paul headed towards the lavatory on the plane, taking he and Andrew to the north of Thailand, all he could see was a sea of paranoid eyes. Everyone on the aircraft was covered up, as if attending a masquerade ball. Other than he and Andrew. They had just left from a provincial airport to which the Thai nationals just evacuated from the virus -hit city of Wuhan were just about to arrive. The boys had had to pick their way through cameramen and press past an army of reporters […]

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A Long-Brawl Trip!

After a mammoth long-brawl journey involving three flights, two taxis, a rickety shuttle bus and a near emergency landing due to some old git having a panic attack at 37,000 feet, The Lola Boys arrived in Chiang Mai in northern Thailand. Neither of them felt or looked their best. In fact Paul literally had no eyes! This happened to be an irony, as had he used his irises, when he still possessed them, he may not have booked he and Andrew into the ‘VIP’ room at the ‘Iris Hostel.’ The […]

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